EP 79: SARAH HASPEL REVEALS WHAT TO DO WHEN A THREAT ESCALATES

Welcome And Why Safety Matters

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome back to Not Alone, where this has always been a space where we share stories to inspire, provide hope, resilience. And oftentimes it's because I want you to learn from hard-earned wisdom. So we don't make the same, we don't have to wait till something tragic happens to make a shift. Each story here God has planted in my show. It has aligned me along the way. And today's guest I know will save lives. We met again just because we were at the right place, the right time at a conference, and I knew I needed to have Sarah Hasbell, the founder of Bestie Defense, which is a pepper spray. I also has an alarm DNA, that I can grab the DNA from people. And she has her own story as to why she created this for women to provide safety, to protect them. Because unfortunately, I like to think that we live in a bubble and everything's gonna be fine, but that's not real world. And I think to provide women confidence and the tools is gonna be extremely important, could save a life today. So stay tuned for Sarah's story today. And I just I just love her so much. I mean, she when I met you right away, you your your energy, you're just so real, right? You're just so real and authentic. And even you met my kids, and you've uh inspired my my son to go into back into jujitsu because she she's like, I don't know, are you black belt?

SPEAKER_02 1:45

Not in jujitsu. No, I'm not black belt in jujitsu. I have other black belts, but I am still very much a beginner.

SPEAKER_00 1:52

You know. So I just such an honor to have you on here because I even didn't want to know all your story because I wanted to be so raw on the show here today. But what I know God was telling me is that, oh no, I need to have her on now because this could save a life. Women out there, we hear stories all the time, you know, even here recently down the canal here. And it's it's it's so scary, you know, the attacks and it's instant. And I've always been trained, even when I was a flight tenant, right? You you train so much, so then it becomes second nature when emergency comes, right? So we are when emergency, we won't freeze. And same now with CPR and first aid, you get that training all the time, so you don't freeze. So, but as women, uh we're not really trained to what if you get attacked, right?

SPEAKER_02 2:50

Right.

Training Versus Real-World Adrenaline

SPEAKER_02 2:51

And I think the other thing that people don't really discuss or touch upon is no matter how much you train, there's only so much you can actually train for in like a contained environment. So self-defense, CPR, that freeze, there's only so much adrenaline you can actually emulate you know, in a controlled environment. And everything is so different out on the streets. And for me, like I've had multiple situations where I've had that flight or uh fight or flight response, and I've had three completely different responses. So training is absolutely imperative because I can I'm someone who has surgical precision when they're in the gym, goes to caveman on the street. So you kind of have to make sure you land somewhere in between and you do have the skill set. There's a saying that I think is so true. You don't rise to the occasion, you're going to fall to your lowest level of training. And that could not be more accurate.

SPEAKER_00 3:53

Okay. I love that you shared that because people are like, okay, we'll create this false sense of safety.

SPEAKER_02 3:58

So I'm all about empowerment, but also I think there needs to be a healthy dose of reality when speaking about this. I think women are absolutely more than capable of protecting themselves, learning how to train, but people aren't willing to have the hard conversations and you have

DNA Collection And UV Marking Dye

SPEAKER_02 4:17

to.

unknown 4:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:18

Yeah, it's true. We yeah, we get a tiptoe around it. We want to avoid it, we put it aside. Now, I'd love to for the audience and even myself, I don't know why you created the bestie defense and the pepper spray and and it has you to take the DNA, is that correct?

SPEAKER_02 4:36

So if you do strike someone with that metal tip and you break skin, we intentionally engineered the bottom so that blood and skin would collect into the speaker holes and you do have DNA that you could then turn into law enforcement. Um, and that's secondary to the UV marking dye that is in two of our three live pepper spray formulas as well. So theoretically, if the person's caught, you can have the police wand them down and they'll light up.

SPEAKER_00 5:00

Okay, wow. Okay, I love that. Now I want to know why, why you created oh yeah.

The Night Pepper Spray Was Not Instant

SPEAKER_02 5:05

So um let me rewind to a couple of years ago. Um, so this was during the pandemic when restaurants were reopening, really excited to go out, put clothes on, finally, like not in sweatpants. So my mom and I were going to dinner, and she had to get into a tight parking spot. I had to get out of the car because I wasn't gonna be able to get out on the passenger seat. So I get out, I do everything that you are taught to do in self-defense classes, right? You get out, you scan your environment, you make sure there are no threats. I did that, and you're taught to make eye contact. So there was a guy like kind of standing on the corner, and I ended up making eye contact with him. And I didn't initially clock that anything was wrong, but my like internal gut started going off when he decided to come down the street instead of continuing street. So I'm kind of watching. Um, I'll kind of skip through some of the things. He ended up trying to knock on my mom's car window and was like escalating. He starts pounding on her window. And I'm like, okay, like this guy's not going away. My mom cannot just pull out of this spot right now. So I'm gonna see if I can just, you know, diffuse the situation. So, you know, I'm like, hey, sir, like I'm so sorry. You know, we don't have anything. Please have a good night. And he just turns, and like that was the moment I was like, oh, this guy, there's something not right. I don't know if he's on drugs. I don't know if he's mentally unstable, but there's something not right about this guy. And he looked normal initially. Like there was nothing about him that made me think, oh, like crazy homeless guy.

SPEAKER_00 6:36

Oh, really? Nothing.

SPEAKER_02 6:37

Okay, nothing. I mean, this guy looked totally normal. So I kind of had that oh moment. And I was like, okay, like this this feels like it actually might be something. So, you know, he kind of starts walking towards me. I go into the hey, like, stop right there, don't come any closer. Hey, back off. This guy is ignoring everything that I say. Like, I am now screaming at the top of my lungs. Back the fuck off, like get away from me. And I am fumbling for my pepper spray, which is in the bottom of my bag, and I finally get it out. And I end up deploying it. And I had never trained, I had never practiced with pepper spray, even though I had been doing martial arts since I was four years old. And I knew the importance of it, but I'd never taken the time to practice. I was under the impression that this guy was just going to drop or walk away. And what is kind of out there because they have to disclose it, but no one really publicly talks about is that there can be a really critical gap between the time that you actually hit someone with pepper spray and when it starts taking effect. And that's what happened to me.

SPEAKER_00 7:44

Okay. So what is that time?

SPEAKER_02 7:48

It totally varies and it depends on people's body chemistry. It depends on if they're intoxicated, like their pain tolerance. There's so many factors to it, um, like how much actually gets in their eyes. So for some people, they'll kind of start feeling it instantaneously. And a lot of people do drop immediately, and you do see that, but sometimes it takes 10 seconds, it can take 30 seconds, a minute, and sometimes never. So, with that, you know, I was maintaining distance and I kind of froze there because I thought that he was going to drop, and he ended up being able to approach me, but fortunately he did not put his hands on me, and he ended up dropping eventually, but very close. And if he wanted to, he could have hit me, and that would have been a dog fight, which is when you train, it's exactly what you don't want to do, right? Like you want to maintain distance and get out of there. So after that, I kind of had that oh my God, like what just happened? And like, sure, the pepper spray worked, but it also kind of failed. So, how can I make sure that no one else experiences that situation and they would be better equipped than I was? And I created

Redesigning Pepper Spray Women Want

SPEAKER_02 9:00

bestie. So there were so many problems. Like, I was the crazy person striking up conversations in line at coffee shops, like, hey, like, do you do you carry pepper spray? Like, you know, I like made sure I'm like, okay. So it's between Brentwood, Beverly Hills, Santa Monica, just kind of not the most dangerous of places, but things do happen there. And I spoke to a thousand women. I just, you know, made it a point to talk to a couple people a day. Sometimes that would be like 30 people in one day. It just kind of depended. But the number one feedback that I got about pepper spray, it's not that women were scared to carry it. It's that it was so ugly and just didn't fit into bags uh the way that they wanted it to. And I was like, well, I I can fix that.

SPEAKER_01 9:53

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 9:54

So um I was like, okay, I'm like, let's make something that's actually chic. Let's not put lipstick on a pig. You know, if people if women don't want a cylinder canister, let's make something that's not a cylinder canister. Like we don't need to throw sparkles or flowers on it and make it hot pink to make it beautiful. Like, let's actually redesign it. Um, let's now go in and make it ergonomic so that it's really easy to use. And we pressure tested. And when I say we, I brought on my friend who is in law enforcement. He has 25 years as a deputy with the LA Sheriff's Department. So we took his experience, my experience, and then the gentleman who engineered Bestie is an aerospace engineer. He's also a martial artist. And both of them are girl dads.

SPEAKER_01 10:41

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 10:42

So that was my stipulation. I'm like, if I'm gonna work with men, you have to be a girl dad. I'm like, but also, you know, I I think they're approaching it from um what would I want in my daughter's hands? Yes. And also they have a lot of life experience. Of course, you know, someone in law enforcement sees a ton of horrific things. So we pressure tested everything, and that's how we came up with Bestie. Like, what are the what are the bare minimums that are essential? I I don't even deem an alarm an essential. I think it's a nice to have, but we were able to configure it so that it was simultaneous. And I'm gonna give you a nice to have if you don't want the alarm, take out the battery. And um, we're kind of like Build Bear for self-defense. We haven't launched them yet, but we do have an entire accessory line coming out. Um, so you can swap out the parts because my situation and your situation might be completely different. You're gonna face different threats every day than me. So I don't want to tell you that like this is what you must carry. This is what I deem essential, but that could mean something different to you. So, in a nutshell, sorry, that's my story.

SPEAKER_00 11:50

I love it. I love it. It's like it planted you saw how can I fix this, right? So, like everything, something bad happened, but you turned it into purpose, which is, you know, kind of similar to a lot of my guests here, right? Yeah. Instead of like, okay, that was really scary, and that was very traumatic for both you and your mom. And then you leave it at that. So I love that entrepreneurial ship where you're like, how can I make this easier for other women to use? And then that you went out and researched yourself. I I love hearing the beginnings of why. And this is why I think I loved it so much. And it's absolutely it's gorgeous. Thank you. Even you can't even tell that it is. Yeah. It looks like maybe it might be like perfume, which is really great, right? Because they might think, oh, why she's taking out lipstick or one perfume.

SPEAKER_02 12:35

100%. And

Discretion, Stigma, And Easy Access

SPEAKER_02 12:37

so that's another thing that's not really talked about in self-defense. So, as someone who comes from a martial arts background, when you do weapons training, I've always been trained to not expose your weapon until you're using it. So a lot of people will say, show them that you have this, show them that you have that. And you can, but why would you take away your element of surprise? You can use your voice to deter someone and then pull out your weapon. Um, but I really wanted to make sure that it was incredibly discreet and low profile. Because I also unfortunately, I wish there weren't, but there's a stigma around carrying personal protection for women because we're automatically viewed as paranoid or untrusting of people. And it's awful that it's like that, but it's the reality. And that was another thing. Like, oh, like I don't want people to think I'm paranoid.

unknown 13:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:32

So you're kind of releasing that because they're like, oh, it's cute. So I kind of want to have it. Yeah, no, totally.

SPEAKER_02 13:37

And also look, like I'm I'm a designer bag whore. Like I, you know, like I and I fully, especially after going through that, I fully understand the necessity of keeping your self-defense device accessible.

SPEAKER_00 13:53

Yeah. So yeah, because even for you to have the time to be like, oh, where is it? And how often, like for me in my person, like, oh, I can't find the thing.

SPEAKER_02 14:00

Yeah, and that and that's a and that's a really big problem because like any form of defense is useless to you if you can't get to it. Yeah. So I wanted to create something that was beautiful enough that could go on the outside of your Birkin, your Kelly, your Chanel, your Louis Vuitton. And it's not going to create like an imbalance. Almost like a statement.

SPEAKER_00 14:18

Oh, look at her. She's shining this whole pepper spray thing outside of her bag. Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 14:22

So I wanted it to kind of like almost feel like a bag charm. So now I refer to Bestie as a spicy bag charm. Uh just because it's it's meant to blend in. And it's really awesome, like being out on the street. And every so often I will see someone carrying one. Yeah. And I have seen one person like have it in with their bag charms.

SPEAKER_00 14:39

Like, it's amazing. Oh, yeah. I know I love that you gifted me one now. My mom wants one. And I know my partner's like, oh, his daughter's gonna have them as well. And so it's um it and also do what do you find? I'm curious if you ask women now to have that creates this shift of confidence because you have told me the studies, the studies of women who have been, you know, raped or attacked. And what the the the man or the person looks after is like kind of uh if someone has low self self-esteem, right? Yep, and not confident. And this could hopefully provide that for that woman. Maybe she'd walk a little bit more confident.

Practice Canisters And Better Accuracy

SPEAKER_02 15:22

Yes. And it is crazy seeing the shift. So I will say most women, when they open it up, they're really scared. They're like, oh, and I'm like, don't, don't worry. Like, you're gonna play with it and you're gonna learn how to use it. The canister is underneath, it's not live.

SPEAKER_00 15:36

And you have a practice canister.

SPEAKER_02 15:37

Yes, there is a practice canister. Yeah. So I I highly recommend everyone pick up a training canister just because it's kind of it's a dress rehearsal. So the way that it comes, it allows for a dry run. So you can set off the alarm. We completely redesigned how pepper spray is deployed just because we found that under stress with traditional cylinders, it's really common for people to actually not hit their target. They think they're pointing the pepper spray one way, but they'll actually misfire by like six feet. And then that overcorrection is just it's not possible, especially if someone's closing that gap. So we changed it so that it's very accurate because you're pushing in with your thumb, and where you're pushing in and you're pointing with your thumb is exactly where your spray is going. So we tried to eliminate as many problems as possible and seeing the shift from a woman being like, oh my God, and then understanding it. And they're just like, you know, they're kind of like puffing out their chest a little. And then they're like, yeah, I I got this. And then especially once we do a little bit of training, they learn how to strike with it. Um, we have like women who are so fast at pulling it out of their pocket and spraying it.

SPEAKER_00 16:48

So you give the training, you give training.

SPEAKER_02 16:50

If I if I have the if I have the opportunity, so um, I I need to be better about putting stuff out online. Um, it's on my never-ending to-do list. Yes. Um, but you know, when I do have the opportunity to train women in person, you know, we go over it. Uh, you know, I'll spend an hour or two with women and, you know, really make sure they understand how to load their canisters. I mean, ladies have it down, like they can do it faster than I can now, which is amazing. Just I I want everyone to be better than me. So I'm like, if you can use my product better than me, I'm like, if you can kick my butt in the gym, fantastic. I'm the happiest person ever. I'm doing my job. I love that.

SPEAKER_00 17:27

I love that. What are the other parts that you have right now that's coming out?

Modular Add-Ons And Everyday Use Cases

SPEAKER_02 17:31

So um, we haven't released anything yet. I will tell you the next thing that's on the docket is a flashlight.

SPEAKER_01 17:37

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 17:37

Yeah. So um it's modular. So that sharp piece you can slide out. So it's gonna be a replacement and we're gonna have a couple variations of it. So you can see.

SPEAKER_00 17:46

Yeah, that's fantastic. Oh, I think that'd be a really good addition as well if people want to kind of swap it out or want to have a flashlight. I think that'd be important.

SPEAKER_02 17:54

Totally. Um, you know, again, I'm I have a dog. So I and I always have my bestie when I'm walking my dog. I have a French bulldog, and I cannot tell you how many times I am approached by people. And the number one question that I get is how much did you pay for your dog? And that always really freaks me out whenever someone asks me that. And it's a very common thing with Frenchies. So I always have it, and I would love to just be able to carry one thing less or not necessarily have to have my phone out and using my flashlight early in the morning or you know, at night.

SPEAKER_00 18:30

So I can see that. I can see how this even for my mom. Like there's some, there's some people that are definitely more, you know, fearful on their, and this will provide for her. Like I know she's so excited already, and I am too, and I know my daughter as well. It I think it's important for women to be able to walk out of the house and be like, okay, I am prepared just in case. Yeah. And it's not you, you're not, you know, creating stories, you're not inviting it, you're just being prepared, right?

SPEAKER_02 19:01

Totally. And you know, my one of my favorite just kind of experiences was actually with you at dinner when your daughter saw Bestie and got so excited over and you, and just like it like the amount of joy that that brings to me is just so insane. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:20

Yeah, because I don't have, I didn't have one, right? I did it and I didn't even think about it. But I know in Alaska I had, well, I had one pepper spray for bears, you know. But but that was also very bulky to carry and that I'd have it in my, you know, hiking backpack and all the things.

SPEAKER_02 19:37

And in Alaska, that's necessary. My my family's building a property out in Wyoming. And I mean, we have the giant canisters route there too. I mean, you know, unfortunately, this isn't gonna do anything against a bear.

SPEAKER_00 19:49

Oh no, but I'm just saying, like I don't know why. I never thought, okay, I'm gonna buy one, but you're right. It's probably just like, well, it's not really convenient to put it in your purse and all every and travel with. And but this is attracting. And as women, we like little shiny things and yeah, make it road school.

SPEAKER_02 20:07

Yeah, I love the road.

SPEAKER_00 20:10

So my daughter was very excited. My mom wants one, and it'll provide that safety because you really just never know.

SPEAKER_02 20:16

No, you don't, and also we don't get to pick how we're attacked, which is the other thing that I think a lot of people don't account for. So I think that you want something that can do enough to account for different situations, but too much is not a good thing. So uh just yeah, I mean prepared.

SPEAKER_00 20:37

We would like to think we live in a bubble, but we

Hard Truths About Violence And Intuition

SPEAKER_00 20:39

not. And it's interesting the timing of when I met you because the day before I listened to a speaker, Tim, excuse me, Tim Larkins. He when violence is the answer. Yeah, and he was very intense, man. Very intense.

SPEAKER_02 20:52

Yeah, oh yeah. Um like I I love that, but it's not it's not for everyone. Like I thrive in intensity. Like when I come out of training sessions, I'm the girl that's like, I want to be bruised, I want a black eye, like I want to be bloody. That's not the majority of women. Yeah, no, so it's not for everyone. But I mean, unfortunately, I mean, he's right. Sometimes violence is absolutely the answer. And we don't want to hear that. We we don't, but we women need to get comfortable with that. So true. And I'm really trying to make violence more approachable for them just because it it is a very difficult topic. Um, but it's so necessary and the statistics speak for themselves. And unfortunately, I also think that there are a lot of young women out there who have not yet discovered that they have been assaulted. Uh, because I think a lot of times it takes us a lot of time to um rationalize and understand what has happened to us at an earlier point in our lives. And that's a very common thing. So I I think the statistics are much higher than what. Actually, out there. Out there, of course.

SPEAKER_00 22:01

Yeah. Oh my gosh. If you try and Google, you know, or put in chat GPT statistics, they're not every woman's gonna talk about all the and it's it's only what's reported.

SPEAKER_02 22:10

I I have never met a single woman who has not had some sort of story.

SPEAKER_00 22:15

Yeah. Um people coming up and being uncomfortable, you know, always tell women trust your intuition or okay, if you're feeling like I probably shouldn't park in this parking lot, then then listen to that, right?

SPEAKER_02 22:26

Oh, a hundred percent. Like if something feels weird, if you feel like you should leave early, do it. Um, and also, I mean, so I I actually hilarious not hilariously enough, but after meeting you at that conference, I I I felt a higher calling for the first time ever, like after that weekend. And really, I mean, it's only been a couple of weeks, but I've really found spirituality. And I really do believe that our gut, our instinct, or even just the decisions that we make on a daily basis, like you know, being late maybe didn't put you in that position that could have been you if you had left 10 seconds earlier. So I think it's all just related. But yes, trusting your instinct and just listening to that. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:18

I mean, for me, I've see once you unsee it, and I love that you said you're kind of seeing more like faith for you and understanding that because I think it's so important. I think a lot of people have put that on the sideline just from either some past hurt or you know, dogma or anything like that. But once you you you feel it, and once you see it, what you experience, you you can't unsee, you can't unsee and you start noticing these little patterns, you know, because spirit, God will keep guiding you along and bring you aligning you for bestie defense with the right people. 1000%.

SPEAKER_02 23:55

And you know, like I I know that this is my purpose in life. Um, you know, I found martial arts at four years old, and I that could not have been by coincidence. Yes, yes. If my mom had it her way, I would have been a ballerina.

SPEAKER_00 24:07

She had me in ballet, and I was just like, I know you're not your typical, you know, black belt martial artist. Beautiful blonde.

unknown 24:15

Thank you.

SPEAKER_02 24:17

Blah blah job, man. You know what? Like, I I I love being underestimated. I think it's amazing. And I think women as a whole typically are. But again, I think that me finding martial arts at four years old, that was divine intervention. I think every bad experience that has come my way, that was God, the universe, whatever you know you want to call it, pushing me to my path. And, you know, I love the I love the phrase, walk in the path will reveal itself. And that could not be more true.

SPEAKER_00 24:47

So yeah, because how long have you had this out now for?

Founder Timing, Imposter Syndrome, And Price

SPEAKER_02 24:51

Uh so I started developing it in 2022. I incorporated the company in 2023 and we went to market technically last year. Okay. Um, but we had some interesting hiccups. So we really just got our inventory and seriously started shipping this year.

SPEAKER_00 25:09

This year, okay. But you're probably seeing like a ripple effect, like doors opening, you could have never thought, you know, and the more that you you you listen to the that intuition, that guidance, you know, again, you it this the bestie defense will get in the hands of the women it's supposed to.

SPEAKER_02 25:26

1000%. And you know, it's very frustrating because as an entrepreneur, as a founder, like you just you want it done now, now, now, now. Oh, I know that feeling. Yes, totally. And I'm just like, okay, you know, like I'm like yelling at my team, why is this not done? We should have been out. And like everyone's like giving you the two-week answer. And you know, you like you can only go based off of what other people are telling you. So someone's like, oh, we're gonna deliver your stuff in two weeks. We're like, it's only gonna be two weeks, four months later.

SPEAKER_00 25:50

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 25:51

Sorry guys, thanks for sticking with me. Um, but you know, like I I truly believe in timing and everything happening for a reason. So things were not supposed to roll out um sooner than they did. And I mean, it's just even just in the past couple of weeks, just the meetings that I've been having, the people that have been put in my life, you know, I'm I'm having the worst imposter syndrome. And I'm like, how the heck am I in the room with these people? And like actually not just here like, you know, to rub shoulders, like actually having meaningful conversations with these people who have been so tremendously successful, could not be kinder, and are just so willing to help. And I I feel so blessed.

SPEAKER_00 26:36

Yeah, but you should, you know, the imposter syndrome. I I I know the feeling, but you've got to almost get out of your own way. Yes. You know?

SPEAKER_02 26:43

And so I was actually, I was at a mastermind yesterday, and there was uh there were two women or three women who spoke. One of them said something that I think is so true, and it has a direct correlation with imposter syndrome. So what she said was everyone who's in that room deserves to be at that table. They have worked to be there and they deserve, they deserve to be there. You might be a little bit further along, you might be a little bit behind everyone else, but you have done everything in your life to deserve a place in that room or at that table. And I was like, you know what? Like, yeah, that's a hundred percent correct.

SPEAKER_00 27:20

Yeah, you were meant to be in that room. Absolutely. There is a reason there and trust it, and you gotta keep trusting it along the way as you this will, I have no doubt. I've you know, I hope that every woman has this in their purse. And yeah, I hope so too.

SPEAKER_02 27:35

I really hope that no more people have to use it. But, you know, I definitely I feel better knowing that I've created something that women feel really confident and carrying and they actually take it out with them, which is amazing. I get a lot of pushback about the price point.

SPEAKER_00 27:54

Oh, yeah, wait, really? I thought for I mean, it's absolutely, you know, beautiful. It's really nice. And I really couldn't think it was that because it's like what, a hundred? It's it's 90, it's 95. 95.

SPEAKER_02 28:05

Yeah. It's 95. And you have replaceable canisters, the batteries are replaceable, but it's it's metal. But ultimately, and this is the way that I tell people to look at it, and then for whatever reason, it just clicks. And um, there's a cost and a price to everything. So the cost of it might be $95. Or sorry, the price would be $95. But the cost is if you just buy a $10 pepper spray off of Amazon that you hate that you're not willing to integrate into your life, you're never gonna have it. Yeah, yeah. You don't you feel like you're not gonna put it? You can't exactly. So the cost is buying something that you're never gonna have on you. Our customer base has a really, really, really high, I wish I could say it were 100%, but it's not. There's a really high rate of women who actually carry this with them every single day. And I'm floored. Like I'm truly I'm floored. And like for me, I feel like that's one of my big, my biggest accomplishments is just creating something that women are actually carrying. Because I never thought I'd see the day. I mean, you know, like I can put my 30 years of experience, my heart and soul into this. But, you know, once it's in the hands of someone, I'm just like so exciting.

SPEAKER_00 29:18

And I'm sure as it grows, you'll hear of women using it, how it saved their lives. So we're making it.

When Pepper Spray Stops A Dog

SPEAKER_02 29:24

We've all we've already had a couple of cases. Yeah. So the only one that I have permission to talk about.

SPEAKER_00 29:29

Yeah, I'd love to even share. It was against a dog, but it worked. Wow. It worked dog attacks. Yeah, yeah, that does happen. Yeah, and she just happened to one of my mom's friends. Yeah, she was just going to visit a friend at, you know, our RV, opened the door, and the dog attacked her face, you know.

SPEAKER_02 29:45

Oh no, I mean, it's it's absolutely terrifying. I mean, I've I've had situations where you know I've been walking, or one really scary situation where I was walking my my puppy, as I like to call him, and a German shepherd ran out of a townhouse and just beelined for my dog. And like scary.

SPEAKER_00 30:01

German shepherd can be very Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 30:03

I mean, and I have no and look, I mean, my I I have two. I have two German shepherds. I absolutely love them, but that is not the breed that you want going after you or your dog. Like that's yeah, potentially really bad. And you know, fortunately, nothing bad happened, but that is probably a situation where if I had my spray on me, I would have opted to use it on the dog.

SPEAKER_00 30:26

Okay, so that is one that you've been able to get a share in how it helped them. Yeah, yeah, that's straight on. And a lot of people even think about it. It's like, oh yeah, if you get a tap, but a dog, which happens, and they they do have dog spray, but you I mean you can't even know that.

SPEAKER_02 30:43

Yeah, no, they they do they have I mean they have bear spray, they have dog spray. I mean, like, I'm sure they have like llama spray somewhere just because marketing's delightful. Um, like I don't know, but you can't you can't trust people to be like, oh, this is my spray for my person. This is my spray for my dog. Like it's just whatever they have on them is what they're gonna end up using if they need it.

SPEAKER_00 31:02

Yeah, for sure. Well, I think you're so in alignment. I mean, I could see it from, like you said, your martial arts training to answering the call when that happened to you. You're almost given these things. It's interesting because every guest that I have on, they they have a pivotal story that happens. Something awful happened, but how they chose, how you choose when something bad happens, you have a choice. Yes. How are you gonna use that to moving forward the next day? And I love that for you, you're like, I've gotta make this better, make this accessible, I gotta make this where women want to have them. I mean, you went out just yourself to interview everyone. And I want everyone to kind of understand that if something because we're gonna all go through challenges and we don't know what that will be at all, right? We don't know, uh how you choose to deal with that i is is a choice.

SPEAKER_02 31:55

Absolutely. And it's sink or swim a lot of the time. I mean, granted, I know I I walked away okay and I didn't have to do this, but I don't think I could have lived with myself knowing or like looking back 10 years from now, being like, you know what, I really should have done that. I should have helped people, yeah. Or just you know, putting this together. So yeah, you you never know.

SPEAKER_00 32:19

You never know. And now you're making an impact and you'll be saving lives. So I love if people want, yeah, want one now. I know I'll have it in the show notes, but they want to follow you along and order one. Um, you could share your information.

SPEAKER_02 32:32

Oh, yeah, of course. Um, so the website is bestie b-e-s-ti-e-defense.com. And then on social media, it's bestie defense.

SPEAKER_00 32:41

I love the name. I love, I absolutely love the name. You've done really well on the packaging and what it looks like. You have the black option, you have the rose gold. Yeah. And I truly feel that this for, I mean, young girls, do you have some moms that buy it for young girls? If they're comfortable with it, you know, I think 100%.

SPEAKER_02 33:00

So uh it's actually really interesting if you kind of look at the back end of the people who buy or in person. I have women and a lot of men too who will come in and they'll buy multiples. And like, okay, like I'm getting this for myself, I'm getting this for my sister, I'm getting this for my two daughters. And men are like, oh, okay, like I'm getting this for my wife, I'm getting this for my daughter, and then I'm gonna get one in black and keep it in my car. I'm like, okay, great, please do.

unknown 33:22

Awesome.

SPEAKER_02 33:22

They're like, oh, like it's cool. It kind of looks like a gun magnet. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 33:25

My son was all like, I want one. I'm like, I don't know, you're 10. We'll see.

SPEAKER_02 33:28

Well, again, I I don't, I don't know where men got the stigma that pepper sprays for pussies because it's not. Like, it's really not. Yeah. I'm like, it's a chemical weapon. It's kind of freaking badass that you're walking around with. And as a woman, like, I think it's really hot that a man is capable of defending himself and me if need be.

SPEAKER_00 33:51

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 33:52

And like, I don't want anyone that I care about to actually have to go hands-on with someone and potentially really, you know, get hurt, cut, like you don't know what the crackhead has. Like they could have a disease and like you don't want to, you know, bleed, get their blood, all of that. But um it was all, it's all incredibly intense.

SPEAKER_00 34:11

You don't have you don't have to have contact, ideally. Ideally, ideally. But you have the option if if you have to, yeah.

Legal Basics And Non-Contact Options

SPEAKER_00 34:19

Right.

SPEAKER_02 34:19

Of course. And you know, like I like I said earlier, we don't get to pick how we're attacked. Pepper spray, you're not deploying pepper spray in an elevator or in a car, but you can absolutely freak out and hit someone with that metal tip. So, you know, you you have uh you have options, but it's really it's really remarkable to see. And just, you know, one thing, just for parents out there, um, you do have to be 18 to purchase pepper spray, but you there's no like age in which you have to be in order to possess it, with the exception of I want to say Massachusetts, I think you have to be 15 and you have to have a permit. Don't don't quote, don't quote me on that. But anyways, parents can look into it, you know. And if if you if you think your kid is, you know, responsible enough, um, by all means.

SPEAKER_00 35:00

Right. I feel I feel, yeah, I would love for my daughter, especially sometimes, you know, if she's out with her friends or at the mall or you know, you never know. And I'd rather her be prepared. Totally.

SPEAKER_02 35:10

And you you even shared with me at dinner that your daughter had a scary experience with her friend at the coffee shop.

SPEAKER_00 35:15

Yes, yes, at the coffee shop. People coming up, you know, they're young, cute, and all this stuff. And and it's uh yeah, I would feel a lot more comfortable. She and I love that you have one where you can practice, right? Yes. And so having her practice, feel confident, and know when to use it. Yeah. But I think for my daughter, she's so you know, mature, she's an old soul. So yeah, I would absolutely trust her to have it, and I would want her to.

SPEAKER_02 35:40

Oh, absolutely. And also just testament to you like you raised such an incredible, I mean, both of your kids are absolutely amazing. Like your son is absolutely wonderful. I'm so glad that he's going back into jujitsu. Like again, like exploding with joy.

SPEAKER_00 35:54

I think it'll be such because I think martial arts, like, you know, you've been doing it since four, it instills so much um resilience, right? We one thing you said to him that I absolutely loved. It's like, don't be afraid to do hard things.

SPEAKER_02 36:06

Yes, right? Yeah, learn how to do hard things early. Because I mean that I actually think is kind of the thing that has bitten me in the ass as an adult. I mean, like, I don't like doing the hard. No one likes doing the hard, right?

SPEAKER_00 36:18

We especially as adults, we don't like change, we like comfortable.

SPEAKER_02 36:21

Yes, we we like comfortable, but you you're never going to grow if you stay in your comfort zone. So you have to do the hard things. And I think that something like martial arts or just sports in general, it really tests you and it forces you to get uncomfortable. You know, there are so many times that we're just so physically and mentally exhausted that we want to give up, but you can't. I mean, especially in jujitsu, like, you know, you giving up, that's the difference between you getting out of position or getting, you know, submitted or choked out. So go. And it's really good for your brain. Yes, yes. Not the being choked out part.

SPEAKER_00 36:55

Don't you have to give me off? No, but the challenging yourself. Doing hard things. I actually was uh had other guests about Alzheimer's and things like that and the doing hard things, getting out of the comfort zone, which I think as people get older, they have a harder time getting out of the comfort zone. Yes. But just instilling that from a very young age, like at martial arts or anything that I love that message that you had for him because lately, yeah, he wasn't getting, didn't want to. If it's a little too hard, I don't want this anymore. You know, I was like, oh no, let's keep at it. You've committed. And I think it helps having some like decoys. I always say, oh, have other people instill them, right? Oh, 1000%.

SPEAKER_02 37:35

Like some, like as a kid, the last thing you don't want to hear it from mom. Yeah, right. It's like, no, it's like you want to hear it from someone who you're not necessarily interacting with every single day or a person of authority in your life. Yeah. So you have to do that.

SPEAKER_00 37:51

I think I love that. I think he right away, you know, really, I don't know, just it's your demeanor, right? People meet you in person and he gravitated to you and obviously saw that what you felt, and he he wanted one. And and so after you talked about the martial arts, now he really wants to do that. And I think that's an important message to anyone listening. Like, get uncomfortable, even for you. Yeah, that was an uncomfortable journey to get this product out, right? It's a lot of like you gotta really believe it in it.

SPEAKER_02 38:20

Oh, a hundred percent. And also, like, I had to let my ego go. Like it was the I mean, I still have an ego. I'm gonna be a hundred percent honest. But we all do, we all, you know, of course, of course. But I mean, I think to me, um, just you know, having gone through that, like I was incredibly confident in like martial arts, everything. And then even after years of training, at in that moment, I was like, ooh, I gotta rework some things. Um, so it was incredibly uncomfortable. And actually, that's what led me to start jujitsu because I had that moment where I was like, okay, like if that had gone to the floor, I would have had no idea what to do whatsoever. And so that's when I drank the jujitsu Kool-Aid. And I'm like, yeah, why did I not do it sooner?

SPEAKER_00 39:06

Like, and how long have you been doing it for now?

SPEAKER_02 39:09

It's been almost four years now. Really? Yeah. So I'm I'm a not so consistent white belt, unfortunately. Um, just life gets in the way. But any opportunity they have to like actually get in there, like I am on the mat full force and just love every single second of it.

SPEAKER_00 39:24

That's incredible. I love that. I'm like, well, maybe I should try it.

SPEAKER_02 39:29

I do hope you know I'm coming back and we're going. Like I am taking, I am taking you to jujitsu. And then we'll we'll do a little striking too, just because you you need both.

SPEAKER_00 39:39

Um, but I do like I have had done uh boxing before. Like when I lived in Vancouver, and I do like that. I've done kung fu before, which is great, but not jujitsu. And my husband, he actually loved jujitsu. That's one thing he would train one-on-one with trainers, and that's something he really actually loved. And I encouraged him to continue and and want to love. So I think that'd be great for Mateus, too, knowing that dad loved this sport as well. And now he can kind of continue that for himself and hopefully me and my daughter too.

SPEAKER_02 40:10

Yes, no, look, um, I think it's wonderful, especially if you can honor um, you know, someone's legacy.

SPEAKER_00 40:15

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 40:16

And I mean, your your story and just what you do, I think is absolutely so remarkable. I mean, you you save lives. So I mean it's I mean, talk about taking pain and turning it into purpose.

SPEAKER_00 40:26

Yeah, I mean, I I you know it's hard to see yourself in that light too, you know, and but I I'm also confident that like, no, there it's okay to continue to shine. I utilize, you know, podcasting to reach the masses, yeah, to reach people that I couldn't do it. Actually, I have miracle stories. So I hope with this actually, I know with this episode, God, spirit, will make sure whoever needed to see it, whoever needed uh bestie defense will see it because I've had proof of

Miracles, Purpose, And Dating Safety Rules

SPEAKER_00 40:58

that. I was in cons invited to a SHIELD documentary empowering women for their own health, you know, because we've always been treated as men. Yeah. And so the SHIELD documentary is incredible. Uh but I was there podcasting, and in between podcasts, I have a woman come up to me and she is like shaking and she in disbelief to see me there in cons. And she's like, Oh my gosh, Melissa, your reel came to me at 3 a.m. one time when I was at my lowest of lowest, and she was a dental student. And I could I couldn't even believe it myself. I was like, wow, me? My real? And I was just I I still can't believe it too because it's imposter syndrome, right?

SPEAKER_02 41:41

You know? Oh my god, one 100%. And look, again, we were talking kind of about that divine intervention and things show up when you need them or people get placed in your life for a particular reason. I had lunch with my friend back in April. She and I have known each other since high school. And, you know, we've kind of been in and out of touch over the years, and we hadn't seen each other in a long time. And we caught up and she just said, you know, you saved my life. And I was like, What do you mean I saved your life? I'm like, I haven't seen you in forever. And she's like, you know, because she was a dancer in high school. Like the way that this girl can move is I'm I'm just like, you can do what with your hip? Like, I could never. Um, you know, she's like, just with martial arts, like you always would talk to me about self-defense, trusting my gut. And I was in New York and I went on a date with this guy, and something just didn't feel right. So I ended up looking him up online. Sure enough, I forgot what the charges were, but he was in like prison for uh sexual battery, sexual, I mean, not just sexual assault, sexual battery. Yeah. Oh my gosh. And so we're just like, I mean, I just start crying because I'm like, oh my god. Like just again, universe just reinforcing like this is your purpose. Oh yeah. So I mean, even if it's not putting my product in someone's hand, um it's just talking to women about self-defense and really just having them trust in themselves.

SPEAKER_00 43:20

So when someone ended up not sh going on the date because she looked him up or she did.

SPEAKER_02 43:25

I I can't fully remember the details. I think that I think they had gone out once. But did she uh that out? He was he was trying to do something. We we had a couple glasses of wine. So I'm like the details are a little I remember, but I I remember. I remember enough.

SPEAKER_00 43:39

But again, this could be so imperative, like nowadays. That is a thing. Online dating. I mean, you know, I I tried that for a very short amount of time because it's like it is scary. I remember women telling me, okay, maybe do a FaceTime first or do a quick coffee date, you know, beforehand.

SPEAKER_02 43:57

Absolutely. And look, I mean, I have not. Been on the apps or done online dating since the pandemic. Like I just I refuse. Um, I did meet some really incredible people during that time period, um, most of whom have become friends at this point. Nothing ever happened. Actually, Jeremy. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So I mean, you know, he's like a very close friend now. And I'm like, okay, cool. And like we, we got we met in 2018, I think, 2017, 2018. Um, but a couple of rules. Like, I will not go out with anyone unless I have their full name. And it's not hard to find anymore.

SPEAKER_00 44:31

Oh, I would do full background.

SPEAKER_02 44:33

I'm just like, okay, I'm like, what what's what's going on here?

SPEAKER_00 44:37

Like nowadays it's kind of easy. You just put them in the like chat GPT, maybe, or if you have someone's phone number, you can find them.

SPEAKER_02 44:44

So it's really not that difficult. So um, you know, I always make sure that I have someone's full name. Um, I mean, I'm not gonna admit just like quite how stalkery I get before I go out with someone's like, I don't think it's important that they actually do the same thing, but sometimes people lie.

SPEAKER_00 44:58

Yeah, that's what I found out. So many people lie. Melissa, oh my god. Wait, you said you were visible and then I show up. I'm like, wait, you're not. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 45:08

The rabbit hole that we could go down with men lying about stuff and dating. That would be a whole other show. I mean, like, how how many hours? I mean, like, I've got stories. I've got stories. Um, but yeah, I mean, it's that, and then also, you know, like I my location is shared with my best friends. Okay. Um, I always tell at least one of them that I'm going on a date.

SPEAKER_00 45:34

My Do you use in like an app for the location?

SPEAKER_02 45:37

I mean, I just have them on Find My Friends.

SPEAKER_00 45:39

Okay. I see.

SPEAKER_02 45:39

So, you know, I will tell like one friend or my mom will know where I'm going, my dad, just someone. Yeah, when you're alone, yeah. Yeah. And I'm just like, okay, cool. And like, you know, hey, if you haven't heard from me by this time, check my location, call me. Um, and it it's great. And also, like, I've never had a friend not follow through on that.

SPEAKER_01 46:01

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 46:01

Which is really wonderful. Or, I mean, my my mom is like my favorite person because you know she's like, Where, where, where are you? And I always have to I always have to be like, mom, like, you have my location, remember? So, but where are you? Where are you? Are you home? Are you home? Like, chill. So it's like over the top, but it's great. I love it. I mean, I it's such a blessing.

SPEAKER_00 46:22

I think that's important. I love that you mentioned that, you know, because I don't, I don't, that's the thing. I don't think about these things often. And you are putting that out there. I was like, oh, okay, yeah. Having telling someone, I used to actually do that while living in Alaska. I love hiking. And sometimes I would hike alone. So I actually would actually, my mom was my person, or you know, my husband was at work or something, and I'd tell him, okay, I'm starting this hike at this time. Yep and I'll text you when I'm done. Yes. And this is the one because a lot of times we don't have reception where I'd hike. And so I would always do that. But I love to just even on a day-to-day, just be like, okay, this is where I'm going. This I've is it lifetime 360 or something?

SPEAKER_02 47:00

Yeah, I think it's I think it's like life 360.

SPEAKER_00 47:02

Life 360, which is you can kind of do that as well.

SPEAKER_02 47:05

Yes. And I I have most of my friends who have kids who are old enough to have a phone. Um, if they've graduated from like a bark phone to iPhone or something, they they have that. I know that my uh my brother and my sister-in-law have that for my niece and nephew. And um, sorry to out you guys, but I know that's how they've gotten in trouble in the past, or at least one of them. You know which one I'm talking about if you watch this. Um, but I, you know, I think it's I think it's really remarkable. And uh, you know, again, I think there is a little bit of a shift, right? Just when I was younger, I would have been so horrified to know that my parents were tracking my location. And and now I'm just like, I cannot share enough with my mom and my dad. I'm just like, yeah, I'm like, I'm here, I'm doing this, I'm with this person, make sure I'm okay. Thank you. Because it's it's coming from a place of love. It's not to get you in trouble. And I'm I'm 35 years old, so like I can't get in trouble with my parents anymore. But, you know, I I really wish that I had a different perspective. And again, my parents could not have been cooler when I was growing up. They had, they were strict in the right ways, but you know, rules essentially were, and we did we didn't have iPhones. Just do not drink and get behind the wheel of a car. Never get in the car with someone who has been drinking. Don't get in a car with a stranger. And if anything feels off, call us.

SPEAKER_00 48:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 48:23

And we will come get you, no questions asked, and you will not be in trouble.

SPEAKER_00 48:27

So I love that.

SPEAKER_02 48:28

I really hope that parents will adopt that same system just across the board because I it's having healthy communication just about safety with your parents and with your children is hands down the most important thing.

SPEAKER_00 48:41

Even if it's uncomfortable, right? Thinking the worst. And I know sometimes kids were like, oh mom, that won't happen. But but it's it is important.

SPEAKER_02 48:48

It is. And I I think the shift does come with maturity, right? Like, and you kind of we're talking about decoys. You kind of have to have decoys in life to talk to your kids about that because my mom or my dad could say something to me, and then my older brother would say it to me, and I'm like, oh yeah. And still happens to me all the time now, like as an adult, you know, like someone will say something to me, and I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I hear from someone else. I'm like, yeah. So decoys are incredibly important.

SPEAKER_00 49:16

Yes, and that's okay, right? They plant the seed, we plant the seed as parents, and then we have mentors that come along the way, which would be fantastic.

SPEAKER_02 49:23

Look, it's it's imperative, and unfortunately, there are just certain things with safety that I don't think young people are necessarily capable of understanding until a little bit later in life.

Kids, Phones, And Modern Safety Threats

SPEAKER_00 49:34

Yes, I have a hard time. Actually, my kids are 10 and 12, and of course, like the social media, the um just being on their phone. You know, I actually don't want them to have like a phone yet. That's been kind of a battle. And my daughter keeps asking, why can I have a phone? And but I I said, okay, until we watch maybe a couple documentaries, like educating them. It's not creating fear. This is where I, you know, always for me, it's like I'm not creating fear on here when I'm educating you on your health and educating about these stories. It's more of like advocating for your life, right?

SPEAKER_02 50:08

Yeah, absolutely. And um, you know, I think you're so smart to do it in the form of documentary because I think kids really pick up on storytelling. And that's actually something that my martial arts coach did when we were younger, just to kind of help instill morals and values. And there was a character that I think he had fabricated, I'm not entirely sure, named Poe. And I I remember this, and it was like the adventures of Poe. And it was about working hard, being honorable, doing the right thing. And he just always told the story through Poe.

SPEAKER_00 50:39

Oh, I like that.

SPEAKER_02 50:40

I really liked it too.

SPEAKER_00 50:40

Yeah, storytelling, you're right.

SPEAKER_02 50:42

Yeah, and I I really do think, I mean, there's a reason why storytelling has been around since yeah, that's why podcasting is kind of like storytelling.

SPEAKER_00 50:48

I'm telling people stories.

SPEAKER_02 50:50

It is, but I mean, it goes back to, you know, like look at carvings on the wall. Yes. That is storytelling. Like that's something that's so innately within our human nature. So I think it's a great way to communicate with kids just through stories and whatnot. And, you know, I think storytelling plus technology, and there are really great apps and phones now for kids that I think are amazing and they're they're getting better every single year and more advanced. Like I I go to very dark places. Like I go down these like crazy rabbit holes, just you know, educating myself on self-defense and everything. And it's awful. But now they're like emoji codes that drug dealers use. Oh wow. Um, or like certain things that are codes that like you and I would never know. I mean, it's hard enough. I'm just like, I can't keep up with kids' lingo. Like, I finally have empathy for my parents when I was using all of these terms. And they're like, wait, what is coming out of your mouth? And now I'm like, wait, I'm like, wait, what? No cap, Riz, what, huh? I finally got Riz. I'm like, charisma. Oh, okay. I finally clicked. I was like, okay, I'm like, that one's actually smart. But um, you know, it's just it's really insane how much is actually out there and just the challenges that parents are facing now. Yes, yes. And it terrifies, it scares me to have kids.

SPEAKER_00 52:06

Yeah, for sex trafficking, for you know, everything.

SPEAKER_02 52:09

Even someone who's, you know, in the self-defense space, right? I mean, like, I feel like I just tackle such a small sliver of what it is. And I'm terrified to have kids because I I'm like, am I capable of keeping my kids safe from everything? And by the time I do have kids and they're teenagers, we're gonna be paddling all new Yeah, but we that's the thing.

SPEAKER_00 52:29

We can't. I can't protect them from everything. Obviously, I couldn't protect from this big tragedy. And that was one thing. You talk about protecting parents, you're scared, we want to protect them. I felt like that. I thought I was protecting my family by pretending like we are okay, and we're all this, and then it was like, oh, I couldn't pretend anymore.

SPEAKER_02 52:49

And you can't protect them from like a lot of things, but what you can do is give them the tools one hundred percent, and that is so important, and um you have to give your kids like you have to let your kid grow, and you can't protect them from everything, and I I I think that's the hardest thing to learn as a parent, and I'm not a parent, so I mean I can't speak from that place, but just based on my conversations, and also, you know, my parents are divorced, and as an adult having conversations about how they handled the divorce, and they were doing everything they could to shield and protect me from going through that, and I just said you guys made it 10 times worse for me. I never saw you fight. Everything was always so peachy keen and perfect. So you guys telling me that you were having a divorce was a hundred percent just fully pulling the rug out from under my feet. I never had the opportunity to build the tools to start, I don't want to say coping, but dealing with it. And then they were wonderful. I mean, you know, they did everything they could. They got me a therapist. I still see her to this day. Oh, I love that. Um, but um I'm just like, please be normal and present real life issues to your kids. I mean, you can't be 100% up front and honest with them.

SPEAKER_00 54:07

Because you're they're teaching us what healthy relationships are, right? Absolutely. And so now that probably got real confusing because you're like, okay, they look perfect, but they got divorced. So you're like, so now perfect means divorce. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_02 54:21

Well, look, I mean, I'm I'm 35 years old and I'm single, and I have a lot of childhood wounds that I have to deal with because of that. And I haven't tackled a lot of them and I wasn't ready. And again, coming back from the weekend with you in Arizona, I went into my therapy person, like in person, and my therapist was like, It's nice to finally meet you. And she was just like, wow. She's like, Shield finally came down. I was like, Yeah, you know what? Like, I'm actually finally ready to start addressing this trauma. So um, you know, like I I haven't coped with my breakups or relationships or anything in a healthy way. And you know, I really want to make sure that the next time I do go into a relationship, I'm really coming at it from a healthy place. I mean, I'm never gonna be perfect, but uh it's been so healing and it's been my self-defense, right? Against you know, myself and not just, you know, trying to find the partner that maybe looks perfect on the outside, even though like maybe between us things are like, you know, awful, but everything on the outside must be perfect.

SPEAKER_00 55:40

It's just yes, yes. Yeah, that was with reprogramming. So doing the inner work right now that you're open to will attract you will you won't even have to go out and do the work to go find this person because you will attract, he will be ready, you will be ready.

SPEAKER_02 55:55

1000%. And I mean, it's just again, like I that weekend was truly life-changing. Like it really was. I mean, I just wanted to fall.

SPEAKER_00 56:06

I know you meant Kira, which my publisher, then you meant Xenia, which I love her to death, too. Just I mean, truly Denise, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 56:15

By the way, my foot, I was like actually actually how is your foot going to have?

SPEAKER_00 56:19

So, yeah, do you have to tell the backstory?

SPEAKER_02 56:21

Okay, okay, so rewind a little bit of a rewind. So um I broke my toe uh a little bit before coming out to Arizona. And I train over a thousand hours in martial arts a year. I hit my toe on a box and broke it. What? But um that happened and it was excruciatingly painful. And I was having a hard time walking. Like I was limping and I was trying to put on like my toughest face. I'm like, okay, like you can do this, you can do this, you can take the pain. And um met, you know, Denise and all of you. And Denise is a Native American healer. And I honestly thought it was bullshit. Like, truly. Like, I I'm like uh like you know, you you see like all these crazy things in like martial arts where people are like, oh, like I'm gonna knock you out. And like, I don't believe in that whatsoever. Like, you know, I'm like, you're not knocking me out unless you are actually making contact with me. But I've I had never really experienced like Reiki or something that had worked for me.

SPEAKER_00 57:19

So I was like, Oh yeah, these women are powerful women and they are healers. I've seen it on Rider's Island.

SPEAKER_02 57:25

I was like, okay, oh yeah, that this was different. Cause like I've I've had like Reiki masters like work on me and I'm like, I'm no what I was feeling, like it literally felt like she was scooping the pain out of my toe and in the form of like waves of heat, just scooping it out. And then I got up and I was like, I can walk relatively normally. So I'm happy. This is the first time I'm in heels since I broke my toe. It's the first time I'm not in like a panel. Uh, this it's really been kind of like day three of feeling okay. I got my first 10,000 steps over the weekend and then kind of had a little bit of a flare-up with the pain, and now we're okay.

SPEAKER_00 58:03

You know what's coming up to me is that because God works this way or whatever you you're comfortable calling it. Yeah, it gives you so the toe. Yes. The toe was a signal come back to me.

SPEAKER_02 58:15

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 58:16

And then we we you had to you can only unsee it. And then having these healers, right? That heal with spirit. And you can't unsee and and what you felt, only you felt it, and only you know, and now you can speak of it. It's hard to even describe it.

SPEAKER_02 58:33

Absolutely. And also it was God, the universe, again, whatever you want to call it. Something was telling I needed to slow down and I needed to really start addressing things and not just go out, be physical, and like have my attention in 50 million different places.

SPEAKER_00 58:49

Yeah, get this so distracted, right? We easily get distracted. I know I do, right?

SPEAKER_02 58:54

So bad. But no, I mean it's it's crazy. So again, like I actually went to church for the first time. So, like after that, yeah, it was it was really it's really crazy.

SPEAKER_00 59:05

I love that. Yeah, I think I truly feel that that's kind of was it because I'm I I have so many guests that sit here and I hear the story, and God's knocking. Yes, and then there's something that happens, and you don't have to wait till something really bad happens. So it was just a toe, it was just a little nudge.

SPEAKER_02 59:20

Well, so you don't, you know. It was the toe, but also it was um, it was me just saying, hey, like there are traumas that need to be addressed. So I actually approached my friend who goes to church all the time. And I I was born Jewish. So going to church for me was actually like a very big deal. Like, never in a million years did I think I would do it. But I really needed a guide who um had been there and was open and willing. And that was him. So it was one of the most beautiful experiences ever. And I'm like, I'm like, I'll I would 100% go back. Yeah. So I like that.

SPEAKER_00 59:58

I love how it all just kind of aligns. And I do feel that the because trauma here we make up these stories like, oh, my trauma is not as bad as this trauma and this and that, but we all have to do the work.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:11

We do, and we all have different traumas, but no one doesn't have it.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:15

And it's just about how you take it on and what you make of it.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:20

And the slowing down, the message of slowing down. When I moved here, that's exactly it. I have tell them telling my therapist, like, I need I feel like I need space. I felt awful because I didn't text back people though, but I really need to go inwards, yeah, not isolation, like because that's unhealthy too, too much isolation, but really go in and of course do so much work. Absolutely.

Healing, Boundaries, And Protecting Your Peace

SPEAKER_02 1:00:40

And first form of self-defense, protect your peace and set those boundaries. And that's a lesson that I didn't learn until much later in life. And you know, looking back, I was just like, oh my God, like I was a doormat, like truly, like I was a doormat. Like I was always the yes person. Even if I didn't want to do something, if I felt someone needed me, I was there and I was not good at setting those boundaries. So sometimes we do need to self-isolate and we do need to protect our peace and we need to heal because you know, there's a reason why, like you were a flight attendant. There's a reason why you have to put your own mask you put your own mask on before, you know, like assisting someone else. And there's a reason for that. You can't help others if you're not helping yourself because then you have nothing to give.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:24

Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:24

And it's so important.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:26

And then I don't know, so many women, right? We're so to be appeased and overgiver, and especially, and it creates this imbalance, right? In a relationship. And so I think boundaries is a big one for me to work on too. I actually came in a breath work session. We're big bubble letters boundaries to work on.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:45

But highest form of self-defense, self-respect and boundaries. Everything else will fall into place. What whether that's emotional boundaries, boundaries in the workplace, physical boundaries, ultimately self-defense all comes down to setting those boundaries. And again, I did not learn that until very recently. And I thought I had decent boundaries, and I did not. Also, we are raised to be so polite. Yes. And it's funny because I think people who met me maybe even two years ago, they met a very different version of me. And they're very shocked when I say no now. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:18

Oh, you're the same thing here. People are like, I've gotten this so much, not so much now, but like, oh, you're change. I'm like, yeah, I'm yeah, so I'm creating boundaries.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:26

I'm like, hi, nice to meet you. Like, I'm, you know, I'm going to do my best to be respectful, but I'm going to protect myself before protect your energy.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:35

Like who you surround yourself with really impacts you, especially as you're growing your business too. You don't want people that truly believe in what you're doing and your purpose, your direction.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:45

Yes, and actually, so important you should say that. So that was actually a really big shift for me. So I'm very blessed where I have the most amazing girlfriends. And I was sitting down with one of them in New York about a month ago. And, you know, I was asking her, I was like, hey, I was just like, and she's one of the people that will give it to you straight. And it's so important to have those friends. Yes. And she was like, hey, she was like, I need to tell you something. And I was like, what? She's like, you've gotten to Alphabrow. And I was like, me, AlphaBro? I'm like, what do you mean? I'm like, I'm like pink and pretty. And she's like, no. She's like, your product is terrifying. And she's like, you're hanging out with all of these like really insane dudes, and you're like sparring with them, you're fighting them. And she's like, I can't relate to that. She's like, your product is called bestie. And I was like, oh my God, you know what? You are so right. Like, I am surrounding myself. And like I do love the people that I train with. And I really respect a lot of the people that I learn from. But I was like, you know what? Like, I am actually shifting away from what my initial mission was. And thank you for that correction. Because now, like, I can show up for women in a very different way. And ever since you said that and I shifted things, I have seen such a tremendous turnaround in things. And like I actually have women again reaching out to me, just random people. Like, you know, I've always had friends reach out to me for things. But I like have true strangers now, like reaching out to me because I think there's been a real shift in energy. And a lot of it is who you surround yourself with. So uh, you know, I definitely made an effort and a point, and you know, work right now is and bestie is kind of the overarching thing in my life. But I'm doing my best to really make time to be around my girlfriends and actually be a good friend. I suffer from only child syndrome where like, you know, I don't, I'm not always the best at reaching out to people.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:41

I do have my old, I grew up an old child. I have two sisters, but we never grew up together. Yeah. My dad.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:46

I have I have two older brothers, but they're 14 and 17 years older than me. So we weren't really in the house at the same time. So I was raised as an only child. So I'm just like, oh, I'm like every like, you know, cool. Because we're comfortable alone, right? We're comfortable. Totally. And I'm like, oh my people reach out to me. And I'm like, no, like, stop, stop. You need to reach out to people. Like, be a good friend. Yeah. So I'm trying to get better at doing that. So I've, you know, made a point to start like actually reaching out to people. And I've been so much happier and just so much more satiated with changing just my environment, um, the people that I'm hanging out with. Uh, unfortunately, I can't really work out with my toe right now. But, you know, even though it's calling you the slowing down.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:28

It is forcing you to do that.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:30

Totally. So now I'm like, okay, great. You know, I don't want to go in and re-injure my toe. I'm probably gonna start going back to jujitsu next week or in two weeks because I have to leave town. But I'm excited to go back. But I'm like, you know what? Like it's time to re-engage in Pilates and like start being really girly again. And you know, maybe I love bar. Oh my god, I love bars. Okay. Bar and Pilates are my two favorite workouts. And I I love lifting weights too. I do like lifting weights. Lifting weights, but I find Pilates and Bar to be a lot more challenging than lifting weights. And like I will lift heavy, but like I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:08

I love lifting heavy. I do kind of bit of both, but now I'm really loving. I love Pilates, a reformer and bar, all of that. All of it. And Pilates is so humbling.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:17

And my favorite thing to do is bring men to a reformer.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:20

Oh my gosh, there's a few men that come to bar and I I can't. I was like, oh don't laugh. But I'm actually, which is not very nice, but I love that they are coming. Yeah. But they're why I'm I'm saying I'm laughing because they've never moved this way. And it's actually really hard.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:34

Oh yeah. I mean, I I laugh internally all the time. So I did a trade with one of my guy friends who's a personal trainer. So he did like a personal training session. And then at the time, I'm so mad at her. My Pilates instructor moved to Vegas, and I have not found anyone half as good as her. So I have not like taken the plunge and found another Pilates school. But I brought him to my private. And he is like when you think of the ideal man in physical form, it is this guy. Like turtle shell, abs. And I'm not talking six pack. Like it's like maybe eight or 10, but not over the top obnoxious. And you're just like, can I lick those, please? Like, I'm not like, I'm just like, I know you're my friend. And like we're there, but I'm just like, oh my God. Like, just like everything on this man is perfect. And I'm just like, oh my God. Like, but it was hilarious because you know, he doesn't do Pilates. And seeing him shake was the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life. And I was just cackling internally, of course. Like, we're gonna be supportive. But I was just like, yes, but like as men and women, we have different strengths.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:43

So yeah, no, I love it. And it is a good workout. And I I feel I could talk to you forever and love having you on here.

Final Takeaway And Share The Episode

SPEAKER_00 1:07:51

And just um, you know, before we leave everyone here, I know this could save a life. And is there one last message you want to say that just represents, you know, Bestie? I know we went into a lot of things, but I I truly feel I want this to become a norm of a talk. Like you said, start with the talk of safety in the family. What are you putting in place? Like you said, maybe uh uh telling somebody where you're gonna be and um having these hard conversations.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:20

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I'll I'll say this you have to be your own best friend when it comes to self-defense. Um, hence the name bestie. I like that. Um, you know, this is something that's supposed to walk with you. Um, but I would say um, you know, just to parents, teach kids it's okay to establish boundaries. I think code words with families are absolutely imperative. Again, I'm 35 years old and I still have code words or code phrases with both of my parents. So they will know if I am actually in trouble. Um just start talking to kids about self-defense, especially young women. And it's so much more than just the physical. And I think people need to understand that. So I think my biggest takeaway, and I've I've been having a lot of conversations about this, if it is something that improves your livelihood, it's self-defense. So just do things that really improve your life and keep you safe, whether that's taking vitamins, going to see a biological dentist. That's all self-defense. Health, self-defense, healthy finances, self-defense. Um, you know, those safety tips that influencers will give you online. It it builds a lifestyle. So just really start incorporating that. It's easy. Start doing that.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:37

Okay, I like that message. That's so important. Well, thank you very much for listening on that alone. Like it, for example, this really touched you and resonated with you, and you know somebody needs to hear this. Please share this episode with them or please buy the best e-defense for a loved one. This could save a life and incorporate these convert hard conversations that oftentimes we don't want to have with our families, but are imperative and set um some healthy boundaries as well. Let's teach our young girls that it's okay to set boundaries. So, once again, thank you very much. We're never truly alone. And thank you for listening.