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I'm Melissa, and I want to welcome you back on the show, not alone.
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In fact, I want to say I'm grateful and deeply honored that you're listening today.
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And this message today has just been on my heart this week.
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And it's about boundaries.
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And I know there's plenty of books out there about boundaries and how to instill them, but just my own self-reflection about boundaries, because this is something I know God put on my heart to work on.
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But I need to instill boundaries.
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Actually, I get kind of these visions and this that God speaks and is like, okay, this is what you need to work on.
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And a lot of times this comes to me when I'm doing breath work.
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So what really happened during a breath work session, I saw big bubble letters, boundaries.
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And I was like, hmm, okay, sometimes I get these messages that I'm like, okay, what does this mean?
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I'm like, I know the word boundaries.
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Okay, I need to incorporate more boundaries in my life.
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So maybe this is something I've always had to work on and didn't really have a lot of boundaries.
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And if I really am honest with myself in my marriage, I didn't instill a lot of boundaries.
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I felt like I did, but when I'm truly honest, I didn't.
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I let a lot of things just slide because I just didn't have any self-boundaries.
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Because for me, uh for safety, what I had learned is be the people pleaser.
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Don't ruffle any conflict because that felt safe to me.
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So if I maybe, you know, there are times I brought up boundaries and it was just came back with anger and it was just never in conflict.
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So it was never safe.
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So I learned to just be a people pleaser and let things slide.
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Now that's not the right way to live life.
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You need to find balance and do have boundaries, and that's okay, and be comfortable in that.
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So in my own reflection, I felt that I feel now what I see.
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Boundaries is once you set them calmly and with love, not like, okay, this is my boundary and you better accept it and that's it.
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No, like calm.
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Just say, hey, I this is not acceptable, or this is what I'm, for example, for me, if I'm gonna be honest, I have to be really uh conscious of my nervous system.
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And I know I don't want to get to a state where I'm so depleted and then because then I'm not patient, and then maybe I'm gonna yell at my kids.
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And so I've learned, okay, what do I need to do to set boundaries around my life so that I can um uh not deplete myself nervous system-wise, and how do I stay grounded?
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And oftentimes for me, it's yeah, in the evening, I need a little bit of quiet time.
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Uh, if I do some red light, sauna, prayer, read books, I need some downtime of just alone time, oftentimes, after I've put my kids to bed, and and just that, even I realize for my kids too, just having some downtime to regulate their nervous systems before I put them to bed, have a bath with magnesium, things like that, that I feel is so much better on overall how we're gonna wake up the next day.
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And so when I set boundaries as far as uh, okay, I really do need this time, or when I've had a long day at work, sometimes I'm like, well, before I get back into everyone needing me, I need to go out for a walk, or maybe I need a workout, and then I could better show up back up with for my family.
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So those are kind of setting these boundaries, but I also need to learn to communicate them properly, and that's something I'm still working on.
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So then it is understood.
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But when I have found, when I do practice the calm and with love boundaries, it's almost like a revealer to the other person now, because unfortunately, now this is a new boundary for them, and you had allowed them access to you, to your field, to your nervous system.
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And now you're saying, oh no, you can't come in right now, you do not have access, and now their nervous system are is getting uncomfortable now.
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So you're kind of provoking something in them that they have not worked on.
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So I've definitely noticed that.
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And I'm curious if you have as well.
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So, for example, I've been working on, you know, it's great as parents to have partnership with boundaries.
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But unfortunately, I haven't had that partnership in setting boundaries with raising my kids.
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So now I'm almost having to backtrack and I am saying standing up and having these boundaries.
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Well, wow, the resistance, the anger, the spiral that happens once you put on these calm boundaries, it's almost like you'll get under attack for a little while.
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You get under attack, and I can they spin it that it's you, your fault, you're this, because all of a sudden they're like, How come I can't access you?
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Because this is what's happening uh in my own life with my kids.
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Once I set these boundaries, there, you know, granted, this is new, this is all new.
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So the resistance that happened, it's revealing to me that oh, they were co-regulating with me, but not in a healthy manner, they learned to co-regulate with me in arguments.
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Arguments meant connection, and uh chaos meant connection.
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So there was almost this, this is how they learned to activate their nervous system, and it was kind of like stimulating for them, not in a healthy way when there was arguments and yelling and whatnot.
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So, what I found when I'm not engaging in the yelling and staying calm, it's revealing to me that their nervous system don't know what to do with this new boundary and they're all dysregulated now.
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So I'm almost having to teach them to self-sue, self-regulate, or to regulate with me, but not with it with argument.
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Yes, their kids are meant to co-regulate with the parent, but in a healthy, calm manner.
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So not through argument.
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And when you so I'm saying here as a parent, maybe you're out there wondering why there's such constant chaos with one child, or once you set a boundary, it's trust me, it's exhausting.
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Once you stand your ground firmly and clearly with love, that process exhausts is exhausting when it's new, because that person will come almost like attack you in some way and turning around on you, and that you're harming them now, you're doing this, and this is your fault.
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And I'm like, oh no, this is your choice not to respect my boundary, and that's why you keep spiraling, and it more things wrong are happening, and that's why you're not feeling comfortable.
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So this is kind of what I've noticed with my own children as I set boundaries now, since that's something God wants me to work on.
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Now it could be so it's just I find it a revealer.
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So think of times, I I've noticed this even in my in my marriage.
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I did not have boundaries, I let things slide so, so, so often.
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And all of a sudden, I'm like, oh, I really need to start setting some boundaries.
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Well, that was also met with uh my husband now spiraling in his his mental health, and it was just all on me, these new boundaries, and and so it's my fault, and and things were these boundaries were not accepted.
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They were almost saying that's it's not love.
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Well, boundaries is love.
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God wants us to have boundaries because it's self-love, it protects me, protects my nervous system, so then I can make better choices.
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If I keep depleting myself, and as then I know what that does.
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I'm not my best self when I'm completely exhausted, I am emotionally drained, I'm not the mom that I want to be, I am not the friend that I want to be.
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So now I need to have these boundaries in place.
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And so I've seen that in relationships where you do start putting these boundaries in place, and then they are met with a lot of either anger or blame and attack, and and just let it be, it reveals, it's just a revealer, it reveals something for them and for you.
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So start observing that uh for yourself and stay strong though in those boundaries.
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I started sparring, going, oh, maybe I didn't do the right decision, or maybe I didn't I shouldn't have done that.
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Maybe I should have let it go.
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And then I'm like, wait, wait, that's the ego again.
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My thoughts spiraling.
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So what do I do?
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I allow, I pray, I stop, I pause.
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I ask to be filled with light, with breath.
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So I do some deep breath techniques, and I ask to be filled with Christ's light, with the Holy Spirit, because that quiets the noise, quiets that chatter, the ego, the fear.
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You know, I always I remember reading in a book, ego, edging God out.
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So now I don't let the ego spiral in my mind.
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When they do, they always will, till the day I die, but I know how to defend it now.
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Bring in more light, bring in more light.
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So whenever I'm feeling my mind is wandering into the maybe I did it wrong, I need to hold strong in my boundaries when it's hard.
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I read the word, I read a scripture, I do a prayer, I sit in breath work.
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This I sit in front of red light.
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I go outside and get some sun.
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So anything that brings you light.
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Have a conversation with a friend that brings you light.
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I also want you to start observing when you set boundaries and it is actually received calmly.
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Now, what is that revealing to you?
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It's revealing that that person is respecting you and respecting and honoring that those boundaries are for you and it's out of love.
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They can see that.
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So that's revealing that that person can hold that space for you with boundaries.
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And that's fantastic if you can grow together in that and have that respect and that compassion and understanding that we're not all created the same, we're not gonna have all the same boundaries, but start not feeling guilty for your own boundaries, what you need to feel whole and to feel that calm, that peace.
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Don't feel the guilt.
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Oh, I should have um maybe allowed these people to stay over till midnight.
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Oh, I but I'm so exhausted, you know, and I and but then I pay for it the next day because I don't have a good sleep.
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So no, no more.
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It's okay to set these calm boundaries, but in a loving way.
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There's definitely a way to say it with love, always with love and lead with love and not fear, and let it reveal what it does.
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And if if it reveals that some relationships, you know, quiet down for a little bit, and that's okay.
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That's the inner work they need to do.
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It's it's shining something they need to work on at this point.
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So see it that way and just pray for them, send them light.
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Now, that's kind of what I wanted to shine, is because this week, as I'm really had a rough week with my kids, you know, as I'm instilling these boundaries, and of course, I'm also sharing home with um my home and with my mom, and you should use a grandma and setting, you know, grandmas for for them to set boundaries.
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So, like, I've raised kids, I don't need to do that.
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So that's that's also hard, and I get that, and I I really honor that as well, that it's truly my role as a parent.
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And now I'm gonna feel resistance, and that resistance is hard when you have that strong child coming in your face and maybe saying some hurtful words and poking and poking, poking.
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Well, guess what?
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They're trying to do get you to react.
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And they're trying, because then when they see you lose your control, it's almost like you know, a dopamine hit.
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It's like, oh yeah, I got her.
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And so trust me, I know that is extremely hard to keep your cool when someone is constantly at you, and and they know all your little triggers to stay calm.
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But you know how I do is because I keep doing the work on my nervous system and I protect it.
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I protect it like gold.
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I protect it like it just so matters because then I'm I show up as who I want to be.
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There's less shame.
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Trust me, I've sat in the shame.
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I'm not perfect parent.
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I've when I was so depleted, I it's mom that screams, what lost her oh, it's just it's just and then I cry myself to sleep because the guy I'm like, this is not who I am, whose kind of mom I am, and or want to be.
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So when I started noticing when that was happening, is when I was sleep deprived.
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Of course, the earlier is that's so hard.
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I look at moms right now and parents, and and where they got so depleted because they're sleep, you know, when you got little toddlers and running around, they they need you so much.
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So I it's I know that stage is really, really hard not to feel completely exhausted and not to lose your cool and whatnot, but that's when those boundaries you can start now with those boundaries too, with and they will learn to respect that.
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Trust me, now to go back and start all over again.
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It it's even harder.
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There's even more resistance, and I and I think it's important now to learn to communicate them with the people you love.
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And if you do come uh with some, it will reveal, it will reveal where they're at.
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Uh so this episode is just planting again those seeds of uh starting to observe.
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Each relationships observe also uh these when these boundaries are set.
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Do you do you hold strong or do you give up after a while because it's hard?
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Yeah, and it takes a community, it takes a village, ask people to partner with you, especially what comes with your kids.
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You're gonna need partnership, someone to got your back, you know, because you can't do it alone as well.
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And uh so ask for for partnership.
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I think that's ideal, and even for yourself as you're instilling, I remember with my counselor, instilling these boundaries.
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And a lot of times too, you might get people going, you've changed.
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This is not the person I, you know, I've been told so many times, this is not the Melissa I know.
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Yeah, because that Melissa back when had no boundaries.
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Just let people walk, you know, just people please her and whatnot.
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Yeah, I'm not the same person.
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And that's okay.
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So you gotta be strong enough to hear those things and be okay with it.
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So again, this is from my heart with love.
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As I'm going through life, my own journey, I love to share it because I think I probably I'm not the only one either.
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And uh so I just don't want you to be alone out there going through this process of setting boundaries and uh send me a comment, anything if it really touched you this episode, and also always if you watching this on YouTube or uh like and subscribe, because what happens is is that then I could reach globally.
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You never know who I can touch, who I can reach with all the guests that I have on.
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And ultimately, I'm wanting to bring more light, more hope and guidance and awareness.
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And uh, so I'm just grateful for that.
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So thank you very much for sharing, subscribing, and liking.
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And see you next time.
