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Today's episode is one for every parent, every parent that has a child that is grieving and that could be grieving from a loved one.
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Grief of divorce, grief could come in just from a move, change of school.
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I know when my kids lost their father, the grief came in waves, but these waves came, waves of silence.
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But these waves came, waves of silence, wave of outbursts, wave of just.
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Sometimes they were waves of joy with guilt, and that came with guilt.
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And I just wanted to come out here because I've had some people ask me all the time what I've done with my children and what has worked, and I just wanted to come out here to share some of the tools that I have learned.
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I know the number one thing that we did is find a counselor.
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I did find a, a play therapist immediately when we arrived back in Alaska, when they had lost their father and they started weekly going with this counselor and I absolutely loved her room.
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She had a room where they had a sandbox with all the different kinds of figurines.
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They also had an area to play with slime or paint and it was just a safe place for them to as they were playing.
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She could answer some questions Now for the first few sessions I would go in just so they can kind of build that trust with that therapist.
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But then after a while I just sat in the other room and let her guide them or ask questions, and a lot of times it wasn't about reliving that day that they lost their dad or some of the traumas, but just checking in on how they were feeling now and how to process those emotions and not to keep them in.
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She had these wonderful projects where I love this idea and always love to share it with other parents is a memory box.
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So she said, bring in a shoe box and bring in a few items about your dad.
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So we brought in you know all the senses.
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So we had a shirt that he had worn and we never washed, that still smelled like dad his deodorant, that still smelled like dad his deodorant.
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We had also goggles and a snorkel, because that was their favorite memory of their dad.
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It was the day before he passed.
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We all went snorkeling, so they brought all these away fishing lures because dad loved fishing.
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So we just they created this box, this memory box, and she had told my kids, whenever they know miss dad or want to connect with dad to open this box and they kept them under their bed.
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I thought this was such a wonderful idea.
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She had also recommended books, so it was hard to find a lot of books about grief that my kids really connected, but there are definitely some, for example, that were called the invisible line, and I love the story behind it because it showed that, no matter what, dad is still always going to be there, there's going to be an invisible line, and that's definitely something I teach my children is that, and and believe to my core that his soul is always there with us.
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He is here and I do teach that to my kids and actually we've had too many uh evidence that he is.
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He makes himself very present in our lives and my kids love that and I think that's important for them and for anyone grieving for kids to know that, yes, we miss dad physical, his, you know they always talk about, they miss his tickles, his big bear hugs, you know playfulness but to know that they can still speak to him and he will hear them, that they can just know that his presence never left us and sometimes he'll play around with our TVs and flickering lights or show up as animal birds or different things, and I know that might be a hard concept for others, but when you see it in your own life, I cannot believe it.
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Even the day after my husband passed, I could not sleep, and my kids couldn't sleep either, but they finally fell asleep.
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We were watching Rio, the cartoon Rio, and by around 1 o'clock in the morning they're both on each side of me.
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I still can't sleep.
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I'm just sobbing quietly, trying not to wake them, and all I see is my daughter being raised, raised by something, and she raised her arms upright something.
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And she raised her arms upright and I knew.
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I knew it was Scott, their father, coming in for a hug.
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Now, I will never forget that memory and I kept on telling the kids from then on Dad never truly left us.
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He will always be by our side, and so they know to lean on that.
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So I love that book, that invisible line, because that's what it is.
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Dad will always be there and they can always speak to him, talk to him and know that he can give a little signs to them as well.
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And a lot of things that have been helpful was creating a calming corner in my room.
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Now, this was the biggest blessing that my friends had created when we arrived from Maui Maui is where my husband died by suicide, but we lived in Wasilla, alaska.
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When we had arrived in our home, they had created this calming corner.
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Now, this calming corner had essential oil machine.
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It had all the senses you know soft blankets, teddies, low lighting.
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It also had this fantastic poster on the wall and little cards with pictures of emotions.
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With pictures of emotions.
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Now, these emotions also had.
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I actually brought them over here to share for the people that are watching, but they're from Generation Mindful and so I don't know if you can see, this one is anxious.
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So it has a picture of a little boy and his expression says anxious, because oftentimes, especially for my son, I would check in on him and he couldn't express it or use words.
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He was six years old.
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I mean he can speak, but he couldn't, didn't know his emotions and what he felt.
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So he could look at these cards and pick out what he felt.
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And then there was a poster on the wall and it says I feel and it says I can.
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So there are tools I can draw, I can hug a teddy, I can take 10 deep breaths, I can.
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You know, they can make up their own little tool read a book, squeeze a ball, stretch my body count to 10.
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These were all powerful.
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And then it says to reflect on how do you feel after doing that task.
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So we did that.
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I think we did that two, three times in a day, especially the first week, first months that we were back in Alaska.
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We often sat in that little corner and they loved it.
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It opened up where I can just connect one-on-one with them and they would talk about how they felt, the sadness, the anger and just being self-aware how they felt.
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Oftentimes they pick the option, the tool of the big marshmallow I don't remember what they're called, but the big teddies, or like big marshmallows.
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They would hug those and they said that's what felt so good and comforting.
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Now, another thing that helped them as well my friend had sent me these cards that had yoga.
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They had where they had yoga.
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Oh, they're right here.
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No, oh, I must have put them back.
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You can cut that out, but oh, they're right here.
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So I had a friend from Canada oh, they're right here.
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So I had a friend from Canada who sent me these cards.
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They are cards that have affirmations and a yoga position for the kids to do.
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Now, my kids loved it because they're really fun and colorful.
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They'll have the turtle and it says I am patient and the turtle.
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So this is a yoga move that looks like you're in like a turtle and it says I am patient and the turtle.
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So this is a yoga move that looks like you're in like a turtle and it says sit.
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It tells them how to sit and then you repeat saying I am patient, I am patient.
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There's another one said I am safe, I am safe and it's this position over here.
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So these were all things that I had placed in a basket and my son used art often to kind of express his emotions.
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He would just draft what he felt or a memory with dad and I'd often ask him what was his favorite memories of dad and just continue asking.
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And my daughter would ask me to just keep telling her stories about dad, just keeping dad so present and alive and comfortable to talk about.
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You know, sometimes I could tell for others it was a little bit uncomfortable, but I knew I had to normalize it for my kids that we can talk about dad wherever we are.
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We can bring him up anywhere in front of people and I think that's important for kids to know that they can still share a story.
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It kind of keeps them alive.
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I know my son being six years old, he often said he was afraid to forget dad, to forget about him, because I guess he had days where he would, he was joyful and playful and in his mind that was forgetting dad.
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And so I still have it's been three years now.
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I still have family pictures of all of us in our home because we're you have his dad's guitar laying out.
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You know lots of memories of him and I think that's important to know that we'll celebrate him.
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So for birthdays we still make a cake and honor Scott.
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So have these little traditions that we continue.
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For, you know, to honor the day that he passed, you still reflect on that.
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This year we did an ash spreading in Maui where he passed and I thought at first maybe this would be a little bit traumatizing, but I really felt called to do a ceremony.
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It had been three years and actually it was the best thing that I could have done.
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It was so healing.
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My kids were able to share messages for their dad out loud and see how we can still celebrate him and leave a legacy behind his, his story, and also I.
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For me, I mean I'm just talking from my experience sharing the truth about how dad passed was something that was told for me at the hospital.
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They did tell me to call it a brain illness and they had seen dad.
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You know that dad was not well and so kids know.
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Even though we might hide behind that smile, they felt it and so not lying to them was, I think, important, especially for my daughter, because she went through a stage where she was very angry.
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She really wanted to know how dad passed, and I mean they knew from because they were there that day that dad passed, died by suicide and it was due to his brain illness.
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And that's what I chose to do and say and I'm not judging anybody else you got to do what feels right to you, but for my daughter, she needed to hear the truth.
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Even she needed to go see where he passed to make sure, because they can draw, they kids are very creative and she was creating these stories in her mind of how he might have hurt himself and so she needed to build that trust with me where I can talk to her about anything.
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And I realized that with my daughter, and she was eight, eight years old and she's always been an old soul.
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So for her I knew I could and and that's important, as a parent, you know your child best and you know I did get a lot of guidance with many therapists, you know being able to ask them questions and how to navigate all these really tough questions and a lot of the times too, I had to go with my gut instinct and my child and so being very open in talking about, yes, some of the numbing and the alcohol and the drug addictions to a certain level for their understanding, because then I think it would have been really confusing why he would leave if everything was okay.
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So, understanding that dad had a brain illness and it was clouding his judgment, all these medications was clouding his judgment.
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All these medications was clouding their judgment, because kids with divorce death, they feel like it was their fault.
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I know my son would often say Mom, I feel like it was my fault, I didn't love Dad enough.
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My daughter kept on going.
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What if I went into the room?
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Because they didn't go into the room, I didn't allow them to see their dad this way.
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What if I went into the room?
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Because they didn't go into the room, I didn't allow them to see their dad this way?
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What if I went there?
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Would I have saved them?
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You know what else we could have done?
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And so they often feel it was their fault or they didn't do enough.
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And as suicide survivors, this is something we struggle with.
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We, we didn't do enough and there's that shame and that guilt.
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But with all the therapy and whatnot that we do, we can't sit and camp out in that shame and guilt and that is really hard for kids to process.
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So helping them understand where dad was at and also how we need to change the perspective in our minds.
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So I've started putting a lot of in their rooms affirmations that they can read on a daily basis to try and shift their mindset with that guilt and that shame, and often checking in, because you, you know a lot of kids will go silent and say they're okay, but it shows up in quick temperedness and outbursts that's like whoa, where is that coming from?
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And sometimes it really caught off guard and I'm like, oh okay, there's that wave.
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That next wave of grief is coming and we need to figure out which tools works best with my kids and we need to figure out which tools works best with my kids For my daughter, I realized that, and my son actually.
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Nature, going out in nature, getting out of town, going camping or going on a hike, getting in the water with trees, you know, grounding ourselves, being in nature, has been so healing.
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Doing some cold, plunge breath works, uh, meditations that has really helped when I felt like that volcano was rising and I felt like, okay, we need to be a little bit more constant on checking in and titrating.
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You know the grief that will come in in these waves, and so these are the tools that I've learned with my kids that they really resonate with sound bowls.
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So I've started buying a drum.
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I started buying the sound bowls, especially the one for the heart, and I've bought a steel drum, some shakers and creating that calming corner.
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Now that we moved in Arizona, I call it my sacred corner.
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They still utilize that now and this is our safest place to go and I have all these tools there and slowly incorporating things that will help regulate their nervous system.
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I was also taught by my counselor to use cold rollers for my kids when they're getting really intense emotions, because cold therapy just to calm the nervous system and build that resilience.
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So these are all kind of tools that I've incorporated, but also those little affirmations that I've put everywhere in their house.
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My friend, one of my dear friends, lee Cherier, she started this underwear line and I think it's, it's genius.
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It's called Pundies and at first you know, she thinks, oh, it's no big deal, I'm just starting this little line, and she gives us when she comes to visit in Arizona she was living in Switzerland, in Sweden at the time and she brings us this pundies.
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Well, now it's been two years, it's my family's favorite underwear to wear, because and my daughter says that's the only one she wants because they have the cutest little affirmations inside of them and they have a superhero in them.
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So this one here.
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It says I am worthy and I matter greatly.
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So, my daughter, every time you know they pick them for the day, or every time you go to the bathroom, that's what they read.
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You know how they have signs in the stalls in the bathroom as these great reminders.
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Well, this is their underwear, everyone wears their underwear, and for kids to see that at school and a constant reminder.
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I feel like it's such a powerful tool because I feel we need those reminders for our children, everywhere they are, and so I love these.
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And they have women, men's children.
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This is one here for women.
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It says I'm getting better.
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I'm getting better, you know, because it's like celebrating the small wins and they are so cute and comfortable and so, if you're interested, you can go on her Instagram.
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The Pundies and, yeah, I think you're going to love them, your children will love them.
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And these have been our favorite as well for grief, finding support in other people in the community, what you've been blessed with when it's a father-daughter dance or you know it's a father and son challenges at school.
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That was really really hard the first year, like the first of everything, and you know it's right there in their face that they're the only ones without their dads there.
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And you know I still go to these events and you know I still go to these events.
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But over the years now people have shown up and say, hey, why don't I take your son with us and we'll make it a man date and really fun outing.
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Or they've done that for my daughter as well, for the father-daughter dance.
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So people will step in and become these great mentors for them and that's been incredibly beautiful to see.
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And you know and I love seeing my children thrive Are they still struggling?
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Yes, I think it's a lifetime where they're going to be reminders that their dad is gone.
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You know, I think of when my daughter will get married.
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You know who's going to walk her down the aisle and she's going to think about that.
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It's not her dad, and so those waves will forever keep coming.
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But what I'm hoping to do is provide that toolbox that they can go back to saying okay, that self-awareness.
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You know, oftentimes as an adult, we're working on our inner child.
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You know, I know I've done a lot of inner child work, parts work in therapy and it's so profound.
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That type of work is incredible in cutting generational lines.
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But now, why don't we start working with our kids now, when they're children, so that when they are adults they are more emotionally intelligent or they are self-aware of these patterns going okay?
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Am I making this decision because my worthiness or my guilt still showing up or the shame still coming up because of grief, or do I know that I need to go in nature?
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Do I need to take time and do some breath work?
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Do I need to take time for myself and draw?
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You know, I really feel if we start.
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I always felt like when my son went back to school in kindergarten after he had lost his dad and I was like why don't they have these tools in kindergarten?
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Start teaching kids this emotional intelligence to speak these emotions and giving them the tools.
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What if we had more mindfulness, like about journaling and removing shame and guilt, starting elementary school, you know, starting that movement.
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But right now I'm just speaking to you as a parent and maybe bring in some of these tools that I talked about for your family, because grief is inevitable and sometimes it happens for young children, much younger than they should, like mine, and it's hard to know what's going to work and I've been able to pull from other people and therapists and ideas and I've seen what's worked for my kids and I love to be able to share that.
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One thing too my daughter says the best and my son the best thing that I did, even though I felt okay, I don't need any more things to take care of was adding two dogs to our family.
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So each of my children have a dog because it is truly the best therapy for them and my son says it's a big ball of good energy when he's feeling sad and they're always happy to see you.
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So, even though it felt like the wrong time when I moved here on my own to introduce a new puppy and having two other you know they're your babies to take care of it is the best thing for my children and I see them smiling with these dogs all the time and I know that's been a big part of their healing.
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To have these animals as well, to connect with and to love on and to.
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These animals could take on some of their pain, you know, and as they're petting these animals, they're receiving that love that they so need and be filled.
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So this is from my heart and if you ever need any other, I'll leave a lot of these resources in the show notes.
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But if you ever want some other suggestions, you can always connect with me on social media at melissa underscore gratitude or through email.
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I'm always happy to share.
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So thank you for listening.
